Fat = Distance

Fat adds distance. Distance to get around my waist. Distance I need to cover to connect from the inside to the world. Distance I need to cover to connect from the inside to myself.

Fat insulates. It stifles. It hides. Like prison walls, fat at first feels lonely and scary and then starts to feel safe and comforting. But in the end, when I feel fat, I feel abandoned.

Abandoned? That’s an interesting word to have pop up. Yes, abandoned. I have abandoned me. Checked out.

I know how great I feel about myself, my looks, my LIFE when I eat right, move my body, take time for myself. Live right. When I live close to me. Not far away. When I’m present, instead of distant.

Every day I prompt myself to be present, but most day I end up avoiding myself. Going to the fridge instead. “Oh look, I was looking for my authenticity but found this cake instead.”

I eat to numb myself, no doubting it, like an addiction. I begin tracking my food for the day almost every day but peter out. So much self awareness is too painful. Too overwhelming to track all this food. But my life is good. I don’t feel stressed more than just the baseline stress that comes with being alive. I feel complacent. My only stress comes from being so overweight. Which then escalates into stress about not being a good friend to myself.

Am I so against myself? I don’t think so. I think that I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. Now that I’m out from under the heavy burden of debt and I have the opportunity every day to pursue my dream job (painting and photographing), I am burdening myself with fat. Intellectually I know that is crazy ass shit. I know we all have the right to pursue happiness. The right to be happy.

And instead of being on my own side, setting a foundation of beauty, health and confidence, I’m checking out daily, dressing unflatteringly, trying not to care. But I know the difference between going through my day feeling good about me (success breeds success) and feeling disgusted with myself (defeat begets defeat). The big difference is loving me. Celebrating me. Being close to me.

I recently read that beauty is what happens when we are in full celebration of ourselves. That’s beautiful. Truly…